Ok, let me try to do this again. I got halfway through my last entry and Xander shut the computer off. Very frustrating.
First, the good news. We got our federal tax refund check today! Though we can't deposit it until tomorrow, the bank on post was just full of people trying to get in, Xander was fussy - eh we'll just do it tomorrow when the drive through is open.
One more happy thing - I got Super Gold membership! I didn't pay for a year, just three months. I'm not sure how much I'll use all the features and this way I can test drive it lol.
Now for the sad news. It seems to get harder each time I have to say/write it. Though I'm currently in more physical pain than emotional at the moment. I don't have time to break down. I lost the baby yesterday.
I started spotting the day before yesterday. It was light, it was brown. I was a little concerned, but shrugged it off. Figuring, it's brown, it's not much .. it's normal to spot. Well, it got a little heavier, but still stayed brown. I started to get a feeling that I wouldn't keep the baby, but again, tried to shrug it off. Yesterday, right before going to my friends house to have game night, it turned red. I pretty much knew then. Though I tried to remain positive, but as it grew heavier, there was no doubt. I really didn't want to go to the hospital, I prefered to be with family and friends and not in a hospital. So, I went to my friends house knowing what was happening.. just wanting to spend time with them playing games. It's a lot of fun.. and we're moving.. so we won't see them again for a long time. (This might be TMI for some.) Anyway, while I was there, I started to feel a huge.. something.. come out. I pratically ran for the bathroom and as it plopped out, I said "oh my god" really loud, I was certain I had passed the baby. I looked to check, but all I could see was a large blob. I decided then I should go to the hospital. I've always heard you should go in if you pass a large clot and well, I didn't know how else to really describe that.
Anyway, I went out to where Thomas and everyone was, told him that I thought I should go to the hospital. My friend offered to go with me, so Thomas could take the kids home to bed (Xander, especially, doesn't do well sometimes at bedtime with others. And Jamey and their son tend to get very riled up together. It just made more sense.)
So, off we went to the hospital, where I only had to wait about 20-30 minutes (which felt like eternity) to get my vitals checked. The triage nurse was very sympathetic when she talked to me. She asked where we were moving and said that Fort Carson is really beautiful, that she and her husband really liked it when they were there. She said they'd probably want a urine sample and since I was bleeding, they'd want to catherize me. I said "nope" "no way" - I wasn't going to allow that to happen unless absolutely necessary. She said she'd tell them, and no one tried (good because I wouldn't have allowed it LOL)
Sigh..
Then the nurse who was going to draw my blood came in (she ended up being my nurse for the rest of the night.) She told me "not to worry. it was her first night, but not to worry." I immediately thought oh my god. oh my god. I'm going to be poked a million times then she said "which ones are the needles" and I realized she was joking. She was like that all night. Funny, light hearted, really just what I needed. She took three vials of blood from me. I kept wondering why they wouldn't just take what I'm dripping out anyway. Finally, she tells me that I can take a seat out in the waiting area to wait to go back to the emergency room. I walked slowly, I was feeling a little light headed. By the time I got to the chairs I was feeling very dizzy and my friend got worried when she realized that I had bled through my clothes. Not even a couple minutes later the nurse came out and said I could come back, I started to walk back and almost the same time I got through the double doors I started to really feel as if I would faint. I have never been that close to fainting. I was leaning on both of them and trying hard to stay concious (bad, but what was going through my head at the time was that I didn't wnat to wake up with a catheter.) and got to the bed, where I laid down and immediately started to feel better. It only took a couple minutes for me to become completely coherent again.
I had to wait awhile for the dr to come in. When he finally did, he did an ultrasound, which confirmed there was no baby. Pretty much right then it was real.. I mean.. I knew before.. but it was real then. There was nothing there.
Then I got the lovely female exam. That's always fun. It was even more humiliating that normal because a) I had been bleeding pretty heavily, I don't even want to think about what it looked like down there b) I hadn't shaved in like.. a week if not longer.
I asked if it was normal to bleed as much as I was.. and he said yes. I asked if I could go home and he said as soon as he got the labs back, I could.
I waited awhile and finally he came back and said I could go home. Told me what should be reasons for me to come back in and that I needed to go to the clinic on Wednesday for blood work and then up to see OB. He said my HCG count was a little higher than it should have been (it was 9552) - I do not know what levels I should be at though.
I got home a little after midnight and cuddled with Thomas on the couch. Quietly talking. He mentioned trying again, and I replied with a firm "no". I just.. I feel.. like I can't. I can't do it. I don't want to deal with it. The possible miscarriage (This is my second, even though it is not in a row, it is my second..) the possible Gestational Diabetes.. the possibility of having another c-section .. it just .. it's too much. I can't, don't wanna. I want another baby, I just don't want the pregnancy part. He pretty much agreed and I think he'll start looking into a vasectomy after getting to Fort Carson. We have to talk some more .. but .. I just .. I don't think I want to do this again. Ever. I have two perfect boys and that should be enough.
Even though, this morning, I broke down because I just knew.. knew.. that I would never have a daughter. It's just not going to happen and that .. along with everything else.. just broke me up. It broke the straw on the camels back, I guess.
And I wish the cramps would just stop. And the bleeding. Go away. Leave me alone. Please.
And on top of all this, we are still moving Friday. We still have the packers coming on Wednesday and the movers on Thursday. I still have to mop this house top to bottom on Thursday. So much to do, so much to freaking do and it's so stressful.
Sorry this got so long.
written by indy1212
January 17, 2005 at 8:20 p.m.